It is commonly known that October 31st, for many women, is officially a day to dress like the stripper their parents dreaded they’d become. We’ve all gone to bars and Halloween parties, ready to drink and have fun, only to find ourselves staring into the unleashed taints of normally conservative female acquaintances gone wild.
“What are you supposed to be?” I remember asking one barely-clad-in-lingerie girlfriend.
“I’m a Victoria’s Secret model!” she replied in a chipper drunken slur.
I’m not even a prude. What bothers me about women who use Halloween as an excuse to walk around in their undies is that it feels contrived. If you want to dress provocatively and show off your body, do that. Work it, girl. But do it more than one day of the year. Own it. Stop turning my happy candy-gettin’ holiday into a spontaneously skanky somebody-needs-attention parade.
In short: If I’ve never seen your cleavage before, yet I’m suddenly being eye-raped by the camel toe portion of your ‘sexy Pikachu’ costume, you might be trying too hard.
Some things truly can’t be unseen.
In honor of this increasingly titillating trend, or perhaps just to make your shopping easier, I’ve conveniently compiled five classic sexy Halloween costumes for you here.
The Sexy Nurse –
Does the idea of a sponge bath administered by a medical professional send you into paroxysms of pleasure? Well never fear, because the Sexy Nurse will take good care of you – and all of your friends. She works hard for the money, spending her long shifts tending to the sexual needs of her patients. And forget the comfortable shoes, because the Sexy Nurse wears heels and only heels, as she is a mythical creature with magic feet that defy torturous pain.
Is that a Foley catheter in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
The Sexy Pirate –
Watch as the Sexy Pirate heartily puts the “Arrrrrrrr!” into artificial. Because seriously, there is nothing realistic about this costume. Nobody could dress like this and work on a ship. Nobody could dress like this and work anywhere except a strip club. And have you ever heard of a female pirate? I haven’t. And that pretty Pirates of the Caribbean girl Johnny Depp doesn’t count, because she’s in a movie and movies aren’t real life. Plus, no real girl would ever choose to wear that much eyeliner.
Umm… keep that sword away from my poop deck, please.
The Sexy Schoolgirl –
Bring me your daddy issues, your insecurities, your huddled assholes yearning to breathe free, because the Sexy Schoolgirl has it all. Got pedophiles? Then this costume is the one for you. If you’ve ever wanted to dress up as a hyper-sexualized child, then the Sexy Schoolgirl will put the barely legal trick in your trick-or-treat. You can even pull this costume out of the closet and wear it for viewings of recorded Toddlers & Tiaras or Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes. Play along! Bonus drinking game: Take a drink every time you see a child losing her innocence and self-esteem.
Surprise! The apple tastes like sadness and years of therapy. “All dead inside” stare not included.
The Sexy Butterfly –
Hey, party pupas! It’s a slutterfly! For one night only, this costume wearer has shed the stifling cocoon of business casual, and we can’t stop staring at her metamorphosis into a really attractive flying bug with garters. Because what is sexier than an insect in black stockings? Amirite? Bugs are sooooooo hot. Wait. Where are you going? Aren’t these delicate wings a turn-on? Look! I’M A BEAUTIFUL FAIRY. You guys want to have sex with fairies, right? Guys? Come back!
Just like in nature documentaries, the corset means she’s’s ready to pollinate your flower.
The Sexy Cop –
You have the right to remain horny. Anything you do may be photographed, placed on the Internet, and held against you by future employers. You have the right to a condom. If you cannot afford a condom, one will be provided for you.* This uniformed girl wants you to know she’ll use those handcuffs on you in a really naughty way. Nope, don’t mess with the Sexy Cop, boys, or you’re gonna get the business end of the baton, and a ticket to appear in sexy court!**
Does that billy club require batteries?
Happy Halloween, everybody, no matter how you choose to celebrate it.
*If I ever become a stripper, I will not be using my real name (Tawni… thanks, Mom) as originally planned, and will instead go by the moniker ‘Miranda Rights.’ I will only wear a police officer outfit onstage. My pepper spray and tits will be real.
**There is no such thing as sexy court, but if there was, it would be presided over by the honorable Judge Miranda Rights, and she would have clever catchphrases like: “Don’t jizz on my leg in the Champagne Room and tell me it’s rain!”