- Do you like blue cheese?
No, I loathe blue/bleu cheese, and not only because I never know which blue/bleu to write, which is irritating. My parents promised me I’d “love it when I grew up,” so I try it every few years, and I still have to scrub my tongue with a paper towel to remove the taste of Satan’s ball sweat afterward.
- Last concert?
My last concert was to see Old 97’s at Cain’s Ballroom. My next concert is going to be Joan Jett later this month, and I’m probably going to sit in stunned silence the whole time because she’s one of my idols. She paved the way for female musicians, and my first band was an all-girl rock band. We had to endure so many guys yelling dumb shit like “Take your shirts off!” while we played—but that was nothing compared to the crap through which Joan Jett had to slog. Sexism is a big load of bullshit, and the fact that music, or any creative outlet, has ever been a ‘boys club’ boggles my mind, because women are some of the most creative beings I’ve encountered on the planet. Stop trying to manage all the creative endeavors, boys. (I say boys, because real men value women as humans and equals.)
- Do you own a gun?
As someone diagnosed with anxiety disorders, I’m exactly the type of person who shouldn’t own a gun, so I don’t, but I love to go to the shooting range, and tend to be a naturally good shot.
- What is your favorite food?
My favorite food is artichokes. Yes, I enjoy dipping artichoke leaves in lemon-butter and scraping them with my teeth like a large rodent. It’s a living.
- Do you get nervous before Doctor visits?
If you randomly capitalize the word “doctor” like that, I’m going to wonder if I need to be nervous. But to answer the question, yes, I get nervous any time I have to talk face to face with a human I don’t know well.
Caveat: I never get nervous about seeing my gynecologist. I’ve been seeing him for a decade, he performed one of my abdominal surgeries, and he has a great bedside manner. I recently told him about my fibrous breast warning after a mammogram, for example, and we felt me up together for about ten minutes to make extra sure my breasts had no solid lumps. I’m so comfortable with him, I actually worry he thinks I’m weird, but he’s cut adhesed organs off of my intestines and abdominal wall, so I think we’re past the “getting to know you” phase of our relationship.
- What do you think of hot dogs?
No nitrates or nitrites, please.
- Favorite movie?
- What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee or English breakfast tea. I vacillate back and forth, desperately trying to reap the health benefits of both until the next article I read tells me they’re back to being horrible poison. I think maybe if I drink a cup of coconut oil with turmeric and kale blended into it, I’ll probably be able to cure cancer, ride chemtrails, and taste colors, but I’m not sure where I read that. I also think I’m supposed to eat a stick of grass-fed butter for breakfast every morning, but I’m suspicious, because how are they feeding grass to butter? I mean, what kind of fucked-up mutant butter are we talking about eating here? No thank you, hippies.
- Do you do push-ups?
The post-pregnancy girls are a wearing a 34E bra, so no, but I do strength training with arm weights. I do air push-ups.
- What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
A necklace my husband got me for Xmas. It was made in Ireland with green marble only found there that matches my eyes, and a silver pendant of a tree that’s considered bad luck to cut down because the fairies prefer them, and that makes me happy to think about.
- Favorite hobby?
Writing. Or creepy dancing and making up songs about banal things around the house. One or the other.
- Do you have A.D.D.?
“A.D.D./ADD” is an outdated term for the inattentive type of ADHD. The “H” stands for hyperactivity, which can mean mental hyperactivity (instead of physical), leading to trouble with focus/easy distractibility. And yes, I’m diagnosed with combined ADHD (inattentive AND hyperactive/impulsive), in case that’s not obvious at this point.
- What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself?
There’s more than “the one,” but a recurring issue is how I place too much value on integrity. I always trust that people are going to be honest, kind, and do the right thing, and I’m often disappointed. I’m a frustrating and perplexing blend of completely naïve and horrifically jaded.
- What is your middle name?
Leighanne. Like this T-a-w-n-i train wreck needed to be harder to spell, then came “L-e-i…”
- Name three thoughts at this moment.
“Nobody cares about you. Why are you answering these questions? You must really think you’re something, eh, missy?”
“Shut up, Mean Inner Voice. You write because you like to write, and that’s enough. Who cares if anyone reads or not? Fuck it. Stop taking life so seriously.”
“I want another cup of tea. I think I’ll go get one.”
- Name 4 drinks you drink regularly?
Water, hot tea, coffee, and the magic potion that allows me to remain in this human form.
- Current worry?
My son just started public middle school, and I’m desperately trying to remember that giving him independence will help him grow up, and also if anyone bullies him I will have to rip their faces off, and that’s going to suck for everybody.
- Current annoyance right now?
My son once again hacked through the parental controls on his reader-only Kindle, and was sneaking the internet at night. This may seem benign, except he was on the “omegle” and “e-chat” sites, both highly inappropriate for an 11-year-old, talking to strangers who now have our IP address, and kept asking for his “asl” (age, sex, location). So, probably perverts.** We have once again removed all forms of technology from his life, which sucks, because it makes things harder for me (no break for The Mommy), and he doesn’t get to participate in many fun forms of technology. My love/hate relationship with the internet rages onward.
19. Favorite place to be?
Alone. If you don’t understand this, have a child while testing as a 98% introverted INFJ who prefers cats because they’re “less needy than dogs” and you’ll get it.
- How do you ring in the new year?
I spent the last New Year properly capitalizing New Year, drinking champagne, wine, and I vaguely remember some singing and dancing to music, but I’m fuzzy. Sorry, liver!
- Where would you like to visit?
All of the UK, and anywhere Scandinavian.
- Name three people who will complete this?
I have a lot of writer friends, so anyone who feels like writing, I’m sure.
- Do you own slippers?
Yes, I love the UGG knock-off boots. I have a few pairs. They make my feet feel like they’re being hugged by warm clouds, and I apologize for nothing.
- What color shirt are you wearing right now?
A gross blue cotton house dress I’ve owned for over 5 years. When I come home from public, the first thing I do is take of the restrictive clothing and change into an ugly, loose house dress. My husband is a lucky man.
- Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No. They feel strangely cold and wet and I hate them. If there is a hell, I will sleep for eternity next to Ann Coulter in a bed made of regrets and clammy satin sheets.
- Can you whistle?
Only well enough to frighten my son because he thinks it “sounds like scary movies.” He’s a special boy.
- What are your favorite colors?
My favorite color is a shade of lagoon blue with green in it that I like to call Mermaid Blue.
- Would you be a pirate?
No. I went on one (free) cruise, and realized the vast endlessness of the ocean terrifies me. I don’t even like to stand on a beach. I keep waiting for all that water to decide it doesn’t want to stay back, and come swallow me up. Also, sharks live there. I may have some issues.
- What song do you sing in the shower?
I’m more of a car singer. I don’t really enjoy bathing, plus one of my cats becomes either worried about me or enraged if I sing in the house. She once leapt up and bit me on the thigh for singing, so she’s trained me to stop. Now I live in fear. Stinky, rarely-bathing, never-singing fear.
- Favorite girls name?
My son was going to be Ruby Jane if he was a girl. If we’d had a girl after him, her name would have been Margaret May–Margaret in honor of my husband’s late mother, and two names that start with ‘M’ so she could have the same initials as our son, Miles Matthew. We would have called her May. I love the classic simplicity and strength of the name May. I have “OCD tendencies” according to my psychiatrist, however, so I would have had to plan my pregnancy/due date for mid-May because I couldn’t set up my poor future daughter to have to explain that yes, her name is May but no, she isn’t born in May for the rest of her life. Because I’m not a monster, and also, I like a challenge. Especially one that involves sex. A sexy challenge.
- Favorite boys name?
Kai. I wanted to name our son Kai, but my husband didn’t like it. We lived in Los Angeles at the time and I wanted something beachy-sounding to honor that, but my husband said it sounded redneck, and also it rhymed with the name of one of my ex-boyfriends. I think it was mostly the ex-boyfriend-name-issue that bothered him most, but he won’t admit it.
32. What’s in your pocket now?
Unless you’re referring to my vagina, I have no pockets. Or bra. Or underwear. Just me and my incredibly attractive stretched-out old house dress.* Try to control yourself.
- Last thing that made you laugh?
Watching my husband tell my son that as consequences for hacking onto the internet for the umpteenth time he would have to either write about how he can work on controlling his impulses in the future -or- pick up dog poop in his uncle’s backyard. The kid cried equally over both consequences, and I had to turn my head so he wouldn’t see me laughing. Because I love to write, and my son equates writing with touching feces, and that’s some funny shit right there, folks, pun intended. In his defense, there are three dogs currently living at his uncle’s house, and that’s a lot of poop.
- Best toy as a child?
- Worst injury you have ever had?
I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have been called “dramatic” for finding it unacceptable for a grown man to beat in the face of a fifteen-year-old girl with his closed fists, so I’ll shut up about it, and the violent asshole wins. But really, he doesn’t win, because he still has to live his life being a loser asshole who beats up teenage girls, and I don’t, which is actually pretty sweet.
- Where would you love to live?
In a house surrounded by at least 5 acres with many evergreens. If I never hear a large compensating-for-a-tiny-penis vehicle or Harley rev loudly in front of my house again for the rest of my life, it would be marvelous. Heavenly, even.
- How many TV’s do you have?
We have three TVs in our house, and one extra apostrophe on this page.
- Who is your loudest friend?
I recently learned my husband can drill sergeant scream-shout: “LEAVE IT! LET’S GO!” when there’s a tornado in our neighborhood, and I stupidly try to stop en route to the shelter for my thyroid meds. It was impressive. I think I stopped shaking after two or three hours. The tornado was nothing compared to a 6’5” man scream-shouting at me in a state of raw panic.
- How many dogs do you have?
Two cats. I feel about dogs the way child-free people sometimes feel about other people’s children; nice to visit, but not presently for me. I prefer cats because they give me space. I like my pets like I like my men: not following me around and needing things all of the time.
- Does someone trust you?
Yes. Oh, do you want to know who trusts me? Too bad. I don’t trust you enough to tell. My trust issues have trust issues.
- What book are you reading at the moment?
I’m finishing the last in the 5th Wave trilogy, and then I’m going to read the book Mayte Garcia wrote about Prince. I’m pretty excited to read it, but hesitant because it’s going to make me sad.
- What’s your favorite candy?
Vanilla meringues from Trader Joe’s. Occasionally. I stopped craving chocolate and excessive sugar when I got on anti-anxiety meds years ago.
- What’s your favorite sports team?
I can’t honestly say I have one, regardless of what I’m supposed to say. (Sorry, husband who loves all sports.)
- Favorite month?
October, because at the end of the month, both my birthday -and- Halloween candy happen, and that was a really magical thing growing up. I don’t really get excited about either as an adult, but the happy feeling about October from my childhood remains. Nice when that happens.
*My hideously comfortable housedresses are from Walmart, and the brand is called “Faded Glory” which is painfully on-the-nose for both the clothes and most of the people who wear them, as my husband once pointed out to me. This comment has haunted me ever since by making me acutely aware I’m wearing the garment equivalent of my lost youth around the house every day.
**Probably Perverts will be the name of my next improv troupe.
If you made it this far, you deserve a gift, so here’s a picture of either a hamster or a gerbil sitting next to some cheese underneath a paper drink parasol. You’re welcome.