The above image of a baby platypus has been floating around Facebook lately.
The platypus has been my favorite animal for as long as I can remember. This is obviously a fake baby platypus, but that doesn’t make it any less adorable. The stuffed bunny I sleep hugging in an unnerving display of arrested development is also a fake, but that doesn’t make Super Bun-Bun magically not cute.
(Don’t you come for Super Bun-Bun. You don’t want this.)
When I shared it on Facebook so that those who like to squee might squee along with me, I commented: “Also, please don’t tell me if it’s not real. I need this, you guys. I need to live in a world where this exists.”
Almost immediately, a white male mansplained facts about platypuses to me that I’ve known since I was an animal-obsessed kid.
Then, a bunch of people who rarely comment on my posts crawled out of the woodwork to crap on my dreams and tell me it isn’t a real baby platypus.
A conspiracy theorist who is convinced that turmeric cures cancer and posts memes about how “enlightened” she is because people think she’s crazy, all while using the grammar of a left-behind 3rd grader actually went to the trouble of finding a baby platypus image to “prove me wrong.”
Someone else shared a photo gallery of baby platypuses, just to make sure I couldn’t for one second longer feel happy about this picture.
All of these Facebook folks obviously missed the point when I jokingly acknowledged I was aware it’s not a real baby platypus with my comment.
Hey! Because you asked us NOT to do this, we’re going to make sure we DO it.
Why? Because we’re negative assholes! Duh!
So rather than just “letting me have it,” as I begged, all these jerks decided to make it their mission to waste minutes of their day “taking it away” and condescendingly explaining facts about my favorite animal to me–as if I am not allowed to Google things, too.
I’m writing to let all these miserable Facebookers know that no matter what anyone says, I STILL BELIEVE IN THIS BABY PLATYPUS. And I, too, can see it was made by someone on Deviant Art if I search “baby platypus” just like all you dipshits did, but I STILL BELIEVE.
See how that works?
Also, I think I’d like to exchange my Facebook friends for better friends who don’t gleefully crap all over my dreams and mansplain animal facts at me, please.
Thank you for listening. I hope you have a day full of living, breathing, and real platypuses that look exactly like this one.
P.S. I ALREADY KNEW THE MALES HAVE POISONOUS BARBS IN THEIR HIND LEGS, DOUGLAS. PISS OFF.